


Deciphering the Terms of Recruitment

by Sudrien (a_b_b_e)



Series: The timeline in which Roxy Bends [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Contortion, Flexibility, Gen, Worldbuilding, again requesting pics, contortionist, you may be able to try this at home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:31:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_b_b_e/pseuds/Sudrien
Summary: Will The Condesce's possibly-evil plan to be NICE to the kids work?I mean yes, pretty much, put let's skip over a bit of that, because Dirk is the one with the most reservations.  (illustrated)





	Deciphering the Terms of Recruitment

timaeusTestified Started a new memo "Who keeps locking all the Memos"

TT: Calling all Bros.  
TT: I wrote, "Calling all Bros"  
TT: Scratch that, I was called out on that recently, this is an APB.  
TT: An All Peeps Bulletin.  
TT: I need the whole possibly-stale box of you as soon as you asses are not in a line of fire.  
TT: Come on, Mods.

tipsyGnostalgic joined the memo

TG: ya meen myself, ok, i geddit.

TT: I'll kick your postrior in turn.  
TT: Jane? Jake? Double single J-s?

golgothasTerror has joined the memo

GT: i WAS AWAKE.

TT: TMI, Jake.

gutsyGumshoe has joined the memo

GG: I was really trying not to be. What is it, Strider?

TT: Ok, Everyone. I have had a frakking encounter of the third kind.

GG: Oh, Roxy, you're on?

GT: was there a battle of some sort involved? Music? A facsimile of the Devils Tower in Wyoming?

timaeusTestified marked golgothasTerroras Read Only ( Reason: Not a movie, dude, give me a minute )

TT: Roxy, I think you know what I am going to say. Because your name was dropped like it was the hottest load to ever be dropped.

TG: geeeet oooonnn with it

timaeusTestified marked tipsyGnostalgic Read Only ( Reason: give me a minute )

TT: The Imperious Condescension Herself just left my very own domicile. Which, you will remember, she didn't even bother to do when she killed me last. Under Terms of Parley. Which frack if I know is actually how that word is used, since I first heard it an hour ago.

TT: And she wants me to off the White Queen for a ticket to go home on her spaceship  
TT: As the very abbreviated version  
TT: And much shit ado about immortality, which apparently you're supposed to explain.

TT: So first, if any of you are near your houses, you may want to get out of them and to a safe distance.

TT: And second, The frack, Lalonde, The frack.

tipsyGnostalgic marked tipsyGnostalgic SuperSuperModerator

TG: honesty an all? yr a bit behine the times bro.

tipsyGnostalgic unmarked golgothasTerroras Read Only

TG: no offence, we want you on board, but lik, there are sum new terms you gotta learn

TG: first is null session, which means were in a game that has no opportunity of winnin. bes we can do is get all the power we can then blow the joint

TT: Ok. Ok. Second?

TG: second is gottiger

TG: secont is god tier, which means you are the star, its yu. you got all the normal levels an den some. an currntly, youre the only one amungts us who doesn't have it.

TT: Ok, pause on that. Jake, what does 'god tier' mean?

GT: My legs are silky smooth. And I can fly. I shan't call the outfit my style, but her highness is trying to work with me on cycling it to something more action-hero-y.

TT: 'Her Highness". The Condesce.  
TT: Jane, are you also in league with the Condesce?

GG: Kahoots

TT: ...Pardon?

GG: I much prefer the word Kahoots. It is really feeling like she is trying to make this a team effort. Well - honestly I think that's misrepresenting Roxy's role so far, but that... I'd say Roxy is trying to take advantage of additional benefits in exchange.

GT: Dame's a cat.

TT: In what sense?

TG: janie, jakimillion, im jus gonna pop over an show him. ye can go bak to beddie bye f you want.

GG: Sounds great, thanks, sodding off

GT: we'll talk in the morning, ok? Bye Dirk.

Dirk received a tap on his shoulder - he suppressed the instinct to jump for a second - it would have been on top of his computer desk anyways. No good would come of that.

Over his shoulder was the girl in navy blue he had somewhat been expecting. Not so quickly as she arrived, perhaps. Also the floating a foot above the ground was expected, if not completely understood, from the odd surveillance he had accumulated. He stood up as a poor form of greeting.

"So," He vaguely motioned to his bed, the only other real sitting space in the room, while he turned his chair to face it and sat back down, "I've seen Jake and Jane recently. And honestly, noticed they've been taking a few more risks - say, the last few weeks. I'm going to take a stab this has something to do with the whole 'God Tier' thing."

Roxy sunk to to bed, sitting normally for only a second before deciding on a better position. She bent back, raised her butt from the mattress, and slid her head underneath it, pushing until a thigh rested either side of her cheeks, and laying back down on her chest.

Dirk tried to remember if he had seen that particular move before - no, those past performances had always had an ass-eating quality to them. Had it actually been some sort of flirting, like Jane had suggested a while ago?

"well, the name alone sorta does thing to yr thought process," her voice was clear - her body looked surprisingly unstrained, "but there is a kinda immortalness to it. No cat ears, though, that was seperate."

"Ectobiology? Alchemy? I assume it's _her_ doing, you wouldn't do it on yourself. You're smarter than that. Usually," The chair suddenly didn't seem appropriate - Dirk pushed it off to an open corner, so he could pace and lean against things with impunity.

"oh, ther was som eplain old surgery too. i think lil hals got a few of my ribs horded somewheres. erry littl bit of squish helps."

"Well, obviously she hasn't made you any stiffer. I'm a little surprised you didn't go for a full bone-ectomy. But honestly. I'm trying to think of sources of white fur, and I'm realizing I haven't seen one of them for months."

"yeah. sprites. i mean, thank ya for lettin me have yours. most days id would, i meen. other days its sorta annoyin. but yeah, they were used on me. ded me. to make me... a furry. right befor the godtier stuff happened."

"All of them, I presume? What did that look like?"

"A mess. a ghost-shaped headache, even before condy thew the cat in. which means I can sorta zap ppl around now, but appartly some mind control risks. Which carried ofer to tigger me. got tier. fwek."

"I'm sure a lot of people on Old Earth would have loved to see you in tiger stripes," Dirk came to a conclusion, and pulled an ironing board from storage in the corner, "She's not listening in now, is she?" with a long set of squeaks he set it up in the middle of the room.

"nah, that takes a lot out her apprently. an honestly, i think bendin up like this just makes her wann go asshat herself if she tries it."

"Hmm. That could explain how she got through my door. She's as flexible as you are?" He plopped down a large piece of equipment that didn't look much like it had to do with the steam-pressing of t-shirts. Dial, gauges, paper -

"i unno. i still havn't figgured out exactly how she's built. prolly still more bendy in some ways."

"Roxy,"

"what?" her head, which had been sagging, poked up between her legs.

"Since I didn't have the opportunity in my previous encounter - How good a liar are you these days? With the sprite and the mind control and such?"

She laced her fingers underneath her chin, "pretty bad. I meen, i don't reallk know if i can lie to you."

"To the Condesce?"

"hmmmmm... i culd omit facks. prolly. i unno if she culd dig em out of my head if she wanted."

"Alright," Dirk kept his eyes on the machine ... in particular the slowly forming lines, drawn parallel to each other, "What color do you think Jake would like me to be?"

"ehh?" It felt like a test, "blue, prolly."

"What color am I?" there was a certain suggestiveness to Dirk's voice.

"oh.... blue. defs blue."

A spike formed in one of the lines. Dirk visibly relaxed a bit.

"Can you push me to this god-tier with your own devices?"

"yas. ffi had to."

"But you'd prefer not to, then."

"youd be ded for a minute. i - wed at les need jane ther. shes got some cray life powers. she can unded you p quick. still - only iff i had to."

"Is the Condesce a God-Tier?"

Roxy was silent for long enough that Dirk glanced over at her - it was a look of analysis on her face, "if she is, she's really gud at hidin it."

"Can she become God-Tier?"

The answer was much faster, "she acts like she culd. prolly. but she wanted jane around for that jus in case."

"Ok... Hmm. Does Jake have any special powers?"

"The Page of Hope's powers are based on supporting other players to better optimize their powers. This class-slash-aspect should always be encouraged to work in tandem with outer players."

"The frack?" Dirk looked over to with an expression of befuddlement.

"strait from the database. the sprite database. extractin helpfiles, remember? same thing i said when you lemme hav the sprite."

"Huh. ok. Rephrasing, then. What is Jane Crocker's class-slash-aspect?"

"Maid of Life."

"What is Roxy's class-aspect?"

"Rogue of Void."

"What is my classpect?

"Prince of Heart."

"What is Condy's classpect?

There was a pause, "Thief of Life."

Dirk nodded at the flat lines, "And life is all about effecting lifespans and such."

"...yeah," Roxy seemed a little deflated. She lay her cheek back down on the bed, "i meen, level one stuff, but yeah."

"Would you be willing to kill The Condesce?"

Roxy unrolled herself. Stood up. Walked right up to Dirk and looked him in the eye.

"ive already killed too many ppl."

Dirk sighed, "Then it's time for a Game Plan."

**Author's Note:**

> Illustrations by [August](https://twitter.com/nyallipop) and [CleoNova](https://cleonova.deviantart.com/).


End file.
